put your life on hold as we interest one another

Last night was my umpteenth time seeing Mates of State live. It’s my yearly duty to see them any time they come to town. My heart shoots out moonbeams every time I see them. I can’t get over how much I am in love with their love.

You see them on stage, keyboard and drums angled in a way so that they are facing the crowd but still have a perfect view of each other. I gush every time I catch them sneaking in little smirks to each other or how they look into each others’ eyes…and they share knowing glances that whisper little secrets. And their singing is just a conversation between the two. I die! Then I think to myself (every time) how that is exactly what I want. That perfect comfort and adoration. It’s just them against the world, man. But they aren’t, like, the typical fairy tale love. They are the hip “gangsta” love.

Call it my pie in the sky. This is what it’s like on a fantasy…

I mean, I’ve had this before. First love. In college. We were Kori and Jason in our own way. No frills. It felt right. Bad timing in the end and I was emotionally beaten to the core. When I finally was able to crawl out from under the covers after months of agony I picked up what was left of me and proceeded to build that wall.

Then it happened again. Mid-twenties. I’d catch him looking at me from across the table, smile, then tell me I had his heart in the palm of my little hand. Our love was perfect. And I’m not making shit up. We were inseparable from the first day we hung out. As corny as it sounds, we literally finished each other’s sentences, think each other’s thoughts. We fit. Perfectly. We’d even wake up in our own beds at the same exact moment and, without fail, I’d hear my phone ring as my eyes were opening. It would be him calling to pick up where we left off. We were invincible. But it was bad timing in the end, as well. I had his heart but I’d forever be his little doll that he wanted to leave untainted. Frustrating as shit because I’d see the girls crawl out of his apartment as I would arrive to pick him up for brunch, and I’d think how he’d never see that way.

So I toughened up again. Never again would I let some dude make me bawl blubbery tears on my steering wheel outside my apartment every night before finally get out of the car to get inside my home and continue bawling in bed. Fuck that noise.

Now here I am – countless short term this, one night that, cat & mouse flings, not getting too attached to anyone because I’m a modern gal who doesn’t need a dude. Pffft, I’ve got my friends. Who needs all that emotional mumbo jumbo. I’ve witnessed my friends lose their sense of self for a douchebag. I don’t want to be like that! I eat men for breakfast and as an afternoon snack! I’ve was raised to be independent and to focus on my career! And it’s hard for me to maintain a relationship. I don’t have the capacity to have my cake and eat it too! I can barely keep my dinner plans with my good friends let alone try to be a decent girlfriend. Plus, I’m set in my ways. I’m living my life. All is relatively good.

Until I sometimes catch myself wanting  someone who can commiserate with me after a long, hard day. Someone I can be an absolute geeky goober with, someone with the right balance of what I need/he needs – a partner in crime, a fellow pea in my pod.

Man, I’m getting soft

In reality I want someone I can easily go to for on-the-fly, carefree make our sessions. Someone to have guilt-free baseball metaphor activities with (Let’s go to second base, baby. Wait, is that hand-under-the-shirt action?) Yeah…doing adult things on the reg.

But LA is the worst place to date. It’s so easy to meet people in other cities because they are actually metropolitan. People are out and about everywhere, walking and taking public transit together! I have easily met amazing guys in other cities like San Francisco, Chicago and New York within hours of being there. But LA is a tough bitch.

However, I refused to join some online dating site. Like, I SWORE I would never, even after my friends kept insisting FOR YEARS that it would be worth trying out. Then I proceeded to whine:

• If I’m going to meet a guy I want it to happen organically. 
• What’s so hard about meeting people whilst I’m out and about? I don’t need some site’s help.
  
• But aren’t they all weirdo skeezes?
• Ugh, I don’t have time to update yet another social profile. C’mon! I barely have time to pick my nose!

I’ve got my girl friends hopping on OKCupid and going on dates up the wazoo. I’ve got my co-worker meeting ladies through OKC too. And whatshername totally met her hot boyfriend on OKC. They are the perfect couple and now they are engaged! (I don’t want to get engaged in a hot minute but I’d still like to meet a non-asshole hottie. Ok, he can be a bit of an asshole for “hot bad boy” effect.)

It finally took utter boredom, sheer curiosity, and my reborn thrill of the chase to get me to sign on to that godforsaken site. Man, I remembered how much I cringed as I was choosing a screen name, populating my profile, and carefully choosing those photos that could make or break you.

I was being thrown into the wolves. “You’ve got nothing to worry about”, my friends said. “You’re super adorbs and a damn catch! They will gobble you up!”

It’s been a little over a month, maybe two, since I’ve been on OKC, and I’ve already tasted the “good”, and endured some weird, fucked up shit. Like to the point where I’m asking the universe if this is some weird joke or if I’m on some hidden camera show because some dudes are just bizarre!

And so begins the chronicles of my (mis)adventures in (online) dating. Hey, at least I get free drinks and dinners out of it, right?